Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The tale of the swamp ass chair.

       Have you ever sat in an office chair and the chair had a  moldy butt smell to it? It's reeks of someone else's stinky under carriage. In this situation you need to find a new seat other wise your ass will be smelling like swamp thing in no time. The worst is when you don't have time and your boss is right there so you have to sit in the oh so fragrant seat. Then when you get up for break you feel like everyone can smell the dirty smell on you now.

      Who are these people that give the chairs a gassy aroma?  I'm sure most of these people are as sweet as peaches, maybe they have no idea that their private parts smell like a beavers den. They may have lost their sense of smell, or have grown used to the smell their crotch leaves behind. You start to look around at your fellow coworkers...which one made this stank ass smell?? Was is Patty? Hhhhmm maybe it was Big Larry. Oh I know! It must have been Beatrice she's having her period!

       Why the smell you ask? I know its fine to wear your jeans a few times before you wash them---But if you have a desk job where you may be sitting for 8 hours a day your anal region is bound to grow a little ripe as the day goes on. If you don't change your work pants everyday then the smell of your pants with now stink up the chair. So change your draws..change your pants and take care of yourselve and each other.

There are some people who actually have a chair sniffing fetish. They get off on the odors of the male and female ass and or genitalia. They will wait for the perfect moment to scurry over and slowy breath in the persons inner bowel. So if you work in a large office area and witness a guy walking around with a full on boner---then know this...he may have a chair sniffing fetish.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sir, where exactly are your balls right now?

Call me crazy but this is something that has always boggled my mind. When a man sits with his legs crossed  (the way most women sit) where does his man junk go? My husband and my Dad aren't even able to cross their legs in fear of crushing the good old family jewels. That leaves me clueless on the matter.
      OK so you are a man and you are sitting with your legs crossed...are your balls resting gently on top of your beautifully pale n' hairy man thighs or are they squeezed between the thighs like 2 small pigs in a hairy blanket? I always assumed that they rest under the mans legs just grazing the seat.  I rustled up a few pictures of men sitting in different positions. Enjoy!

This young man pictured here with his pet monkey has plently of room for his testicals. While the monkey is using the leveredge of his foot to make it easier to grab his little hams.

  Good looking out for your balls fellas..looks like you have plenty of room here for those genitals tonight!

His poor balls don't have a chance

This Fella may be a trend setter on how men should sit, his large sack look quite happy.
This fucking dude is just plain embarrassed that he got caught sitting like part of the vagina squad

Was Tonight a full moon? Customers part 2

 I tell ya--- work was off the wall tonight! It must have been a full moon or some shit. Who knows maybe something was in the water cuz our customers were fucking nuts tonight!  Jesus christ where do I begin!? First of all over at the bar there weas a group of roudy 50 somethings. You'd think it was a frat party! It's freakin 9:00 isn't past your bed time?  They were hooting and hollaring to random bar customers. They even anounced to everyone " DON'T WORRY EVERYONE--WE ARE CUT OFF!!"   like really??? Who screams that out loud at a family restaurant??

I'm suprised the mom and son didn't try this activity.
A man and his buzzzzed wife--(who might I add had a short male hair cut) brought their 8 year old son to the bar and hung out for ya know 5 hours...uhh who takes their 8 year old to a bar for 5 hours? Kid you not, at about 12 am the mother and the son were running laps around our bar!!!  Then they started playing tag/ hide and seek.  Our manager had to comp meals at a nearby table because the mother and son running laps around the restaurant bothered them. LoL  But now that I think of it the restaurant was actually closed so they shouldn't have been complaining about other customers lol

Another group of homely customers decided to make me run my ass off for an hour..they needed something new everytime single time I went to the table. The older women and the young 15 year old boy swtiched drinks....so now I go to the table and a minor has a corona in front of him! So with my job on the line I said  "umm can you guys tell me why he has your corona and is clearly under age?"  The older women just mumbled in some accent"oh I want to keep it over there".  They even went as far as to throw their knife on the floor because they wanted to keep me busy. They ended up only leaving me 2 dollars on a 72 dollar check. Keep your 13 dollars and go buy your minor a 6 pack of corona's lol.
SO the award goes to this family for being The table that made me the most fucking irritated. It's people like you who make customer service oh so special!  I did have quite a few cool mother f-errs though :)

On a happier note--- I love everyone I work with for cheering me up after all this mayhem. There was no time for dry humps and dancing.. till next week.
                 I spilled a lot of water at the end of the night and one of the line cooks helped me clean it up...it was very nice of him to go out of his way! We have the best team work here!!!The customers are a little cray but it's all good :)


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Sex, Humps and 3 Dolla Hoes

Ok so it's 2:00 am and I feel like I could sprint through my house like a gazelle. Gotta  love working in the restaurant biz. I'm not in the door 5 mins and a fellow waitress says to me "Hey L, don't look now but I slept with the guy at table 96, we spent 7 straight hours in bed together and when I got home I still had his hand print on my ass."  I looked at her and said  "ok that story made my fucking night hahaha" People at work tell me anything cuz they know I love that shit!
               Just when 11pm  rolled around one of my girls (who I call pt--short for Pelvic Thrust) just starts gingerly dry humping the leg of one of the other waitresses to the beat of an Aerosmith song on the radio.  So to join in on the fun--- I grab my long stack of cups that I'm holding and caress them ever so gently...the cook that walked by at that moment just giggled to himself and shook his head..probably thinking "damn those are some mutha fuckin crazy bitches" lol

In other news, I had these two girls stay at my table for 3 hours and they tipped 3 bucks..(mind you we only get 3 tables at a time) Listen up ladies--- next time you're using my table as your venue for 3 facking hours I want to get paid by the hour. I lost a good 30-50 dollars because of those sluts..well they weren't hot enough to be slutty but thats neither here nor there. I could only imagine their boring 3 hour long conversation. "So Jen do you think Billy likes me since he always stares at me in the office?" asks Sally "Oh I bet he has a big crush on you Sally, maybe he will ask you on a date!" God they need a big slab of cock in their lives so they wouldn't be parking their hairy Pussy at my booth for 3 bucks err hours! All my other tables were very pleasant tonight :)   I drew a nice little picture of what they looked like..enjoy me mateys---and trust me if they had tipped they wouldn't have had themesleve in my drawing tonight!
Yup that was them..
The kicker---- about 5 minutes after they left I was kneeling on the booth to clean the table top and the seat was still warm...the right side of course...oh pew ugh ahah

Ok I'm actually getting a wee bit tired now at 3:15 g'night yall..L.K

Friday, January 27, 2012

Kiss and Tell

Deena-  Best day of my life!

Pauly D- Worst day of my life!

Lets talk Fupas.

It's ok if you have a Fupa,  I'll still be your friend. (I like you for your personality, with or without your fupa) For those of you who don't know much about Fupas or just enjoy Fupa talk----Here is a little documentary to tickle your pickle.

                                                 Bitches in the Kitchen episode # 2

Caution- Fast food is a leading cause of Fupas

Fuba- fat upper bush area

Hupa- Hairy upper pussy area

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Late night cravings!

I have been eating healthy alllll damn day...but of course since I'm a night owel, here I am at 12:21 am craving all my naughty favorites! Yes people I am addicted...but can you blame me ??

I think I just went...

You so cray

You only get one chance in this crazy world...be yourself  and love life!

Bitches in the Kitchen Episode #1

We are Drunk in The Kitchen..  :)
                    Thats how we do :)

Lindsey and Brittany in 07' and then in 11' on Jersday!

Life with out Clocks

My first blog, my first blog entry! Here we go.... While talking with my sister B the other day I had an epiphany! Why am I tired all the time during the day and awake and ready to run around like a wild women at night? I am nocturnal! As much as I love a beautiful summers day at the beach..I always feel sleepy. A few cups of tea and coffee makes me awake but my mind is still cloudy. The second 11 pm hits---- boom I'm ready to do my damn thang. Think about it, there are many animals that are nocturnal so maybe it's the same with people.  At my work where I am a server, I am almost certain that everyone I work is is nocturnal too. It will be 12 am and we are crazy little fuckers. (away from customers of course lol) I find nothing better than snuggling up and taking a fabulous afternoon nap.

I mean look at Kiefer here having a blast in the wee hours.

 I think if we didn't have to live and die by the clock then sleeping could happen at anytime. A life with out a clock....now thats nervana! There is just something special about a mid-day nap.    L.K