Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sunday, March 11, 2012

My last night

              So last night was my last time working at the place that drives me crazy!!! I am so excited to start a new chapter! Although the place drove me nuts at times, I loved the staff there and I will stay close with them. My manager did his "hammer time dance" for me....picture this---a 7 foot tall skinny black dude jumping like 3 feet in the air bending and flapping his legs (I laughed so hard a tear almost ran down my leg lol). I think this dance was before he had to clean up the huge period blood clot off of the womens bathroom floor.... gotta love the people that come in that place, one week they are fucking in the mens room the next week they are laying blood clots in the ladies room. :)

A few customer quotes from this week:

  • "I'll take the chicken Parmagina"  (Guess he had pussy on the brain)

  • "I'll have the chicken Pomeranian"   That was V's doggie lovin table

  • Server Sarah: "Can I see your I.D.?"  customer hands her an expired I.D. "Sorry sir, your I.D. has expired so I can't serve you a drink."  Then his oh so classy girlfriend says "Can't you just check his facebook or somethin?" like really?

  • Me: "Here's your food guys enjoy"  Customer "that took a while did you go over to Applerbees to get our food?"
Ok off to enjoy the beautiful day <3

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Dirty bathroom sex..

       So I'm putting in an order at work and the girl next to me goes: " hey I don't know where the people at table 12 went, they've been gone for like 10 minutes!"  So I said "maybe they went out for a cigarette" and at that moment we saw the bathroom door swing open (men's bathroom might I add) and this pale, plump bitch walks out. She makes a silly nervous face and then quickly shuffles herself over to the ladies room. Next her date calm and collectively leaves the men's room after her. He starts eating his well done steak tips while he waits for his trashy girlfriend to clean up her wet "after sex clam".  Having sex in a family restaurants men's room ---- what crazy, nasty MuthaFucks.  Thank god it wasn't an hour earlier because we had a party of thirty people for a little boys basketball team. Pigs!  I wanted to walk by the couple and say "hey, is it just me or does it smell like sex in this bitch? "  Goodnight Y'all

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The story that just had to be told

OK here we go, about 5 years ago I worked at a gym in New Bedford. One of my favorite co-workers who was also a local boxer told us that he saw a disgusting site in the locker room bathroom. He told us that he swears that he saw one of our fellow employees masturbating on the bathroom floor. We were all like " OK Ray Ray sure". I mean would you believe that someone would take time out of there shift and please themselves in a place where children may see? It was a family gym with a daycare in it, so children use the bathrooms with their parents all the time. So about 3 weeks pass and another fellow employee comes out and went right to the manager and said "you need to call the police. We need to have this crazy fucker escorted out of here." So basically the sick fuck was sitting on the floor of the stall on top of paper towels that he laid down. He was sitting spread eagle and jerking away in his own world. Absolutely inappropriate for work. Take a lunch Break, take a cell phone break, take a gosh darn cigarette break but by no means should you take a masturbation on the bathroom fucking floor break...what the fuck!!!??? So the sick little weirdo was escorted out for all to see by the police. He is a local message therapist so be careful people. Here is a picture of what I imagined this situation looked like.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A dinner poem

3 skank ass broads took their kids out
one yacks her hot dog and starts to pout
the bitch comes running up my way with an angry face
and yells-- my daughter ate your dang hot dog and puked all over the place
Now I need it cleaned up and I want my check
thank fucking god this isn't my table what a train wreck

for the bitch just stood there and tapped her foot on the floor
as her waiter scrubbed up the puke from the spawn of the nasty whore
they got free meals and coupons too
a four fucking dollar tip will definitely do.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Pussy Cat

When ever someone posts a picture of their lovely little cat on Facebook, is it bad that I want to say " that's a nice pussy"?

A few of Mj's lovers

              I was bored and doing a little bit of googling the other day when I came across some silly pictures of Michael Jackson in his glory. I thought I would share some of these pictures with you guys. Now years after Michael's passing I am learning about his love life. He is one crazy mother fucker. He had a wide variety of lovers from all walks of life. He could probably have his choice of clam, I mean he did date Brooke Sheilds who is beautiful..so he has it in him. These are pics of his secret lovers.

ET loved Michael soft touch, and his moon walk

He always had a thing for little people, at least these ones are of age lol

His smallest love. Where is Macaulay today?
Back when I was 8 years old and watching the movie Home Alone I thought little Keving Mcalister was a cutie! He has change quite a bit over the years!


Such a a cute little fucker!

Quite a lovely dress there mac

Damn homie

Here is a picture taken a few weeks ago....poor bastard :( hopefully he gets help!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Wal-mart Encounters...

So I went to Wally World today. It is truly a great place to people watch. I also got everything I needed on my list! There really wasn't too much going on there today but I did hear a funny conversation between two women. One loud women kept saying " I was dead S, I was dead S." I was thinking what the fuck does "dead S" mean? Then it hit me--dead serious-- OK, who says that? Should I start saying that? Nah. On my way Out I saw a women wearing white stretchy pants, and trust me she shouldn't have

So this just has to happen folks.....

The White Stretchy Pants Diaries 2012---w.s.p.d

View of Crotch in the front and dimples in the back..very sexaayy

I'm speechless..

Tan pants are just as bad people...if not worse!!!!  Who is her boss and why did he/she let her wear those to work???

Please Note-- when showing off your Badonk-adonk don't wear white! Thanks :)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Quack Quack

Ok, so whats up with the duck faces everywhere?! Ever since the Olsen twins started making their "prune" face about 10 years ago it's been out of control. I think now its natural for some girls to automatically make a duck face when a camera is present. It's time to start smiling rather than sticking out your lips and looking like a fool ladies. On second thought it looks like you are taking a painful shit.

Here is my attempt at a prune/ducky face:

Not to shabby


The inspirational two that started the prune face. They used to quietly say the word prune during photo shoots to get the best duck face results.

Just act natural girls...hehe

Here are a few fucking train wrecks... :)

Atleast she has nice eyes!

her lips look like a Vagina! Prune Vag

Is she shitting or farting...hmm

B-D-F Botox duck face B-D-F

They say the sexiest curve on a womens body is her smile.. soooo smile..no more duck lips girlies <3
 Ok I'm out..time to go practice my duck faces in the mirror with cell phone in hand..oh boy thats a whole other blog ! ;)

Subcribe to my blog, I make new blogs all the time! LK

Did you touch my Pepe' ?

"Nothing like the touch of a warm Pepe' Under Jacuzzi watahs"..LK

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Haters in action sitting on their fupas!

Why are there so many haters out there? Here is a small example that I noticed today. Pauly D from Jersey shore is getting his own show on March 29th 2012. Well I clicked on the link because I am excited to see the new show. Then I noticed there were 3 comments. All 3 comments were negative!! Granted they do party hardy on this show but, these people took the time out of their life to click on a link about a show they don't like. Then they couldn't stop there---they had to bash the person on the show. I don't care for Harry Potter movies but I don't go on Harry Potter's website and talk shit. They probably were googling all these things from there stinky office chair that is supporting there huge ass fupa. Ha aha here is a picture of my screen, so you can see the haters in action. I had to comment of course! Lol

Follow me, I post new blogs everyday! <3 LK

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Teach me how to Dougie

Here is a video from last year. Our future brother inlaw was secretly filming us..then we noticed during the dance ahah..MahFucka.  My fabulous little sister tried to teach me how to Dougie.  I still don't know how to Dougie! Note my sisters bomb ass mother fucking moves though.

Follow me, I post new blogs everyday! <3 LK

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Best quotes from my night..

"It's our 56th wedding anniversary, and tonight I am going to give him SEX!" (This couple was awesome and so very sweet)

"I have been waiting forever!! I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna go somewheres else if you don't get me a table NOW!!" (Of course they got free appetizers for waiting.)---It's saturday night..you are going to wait where ever you go! I know you haven't had a chance to spend your government check till tonight but fucking relax!

--12:30 am 3 of us girls leaving together--  While smoking a butt one girl says "Goodnight girls, I'll watch you walk to your cars" so we both turn around and says "and whos going to watch you?"
"Oh it's ok, I have a mase, a pocket knife and my long nails. Besides if some guys gonna come over here and rape me..who's to say I'm not gonna rape him first?!"   I just love that girl!

Rule of thumb for those eating out on a budget: If you ask your server how much an alcohlic beverage costs...your server automatically knows you can't afford to tip...

Follow me, I post new blogs everyday! <3 LK

Friday, February 3, 2012

Home from Hell

                 I'm very thankful for my lovely girls at work who help me get through these horrendous customer experiences!  OK, awful night at work tonight. Party of  10 women! 8 of them being teenage girls and 2 of them being dried up 50 somethings. Apparently their shit doesn't stink. They ended up running me ragged and wanted their god damn check split into 10 separate checks!! Where do you fucking think you are ladies--McDonald's??? Then one of the ugly, dried up older ladies didn't even pay her check of 17 dollars! Whatever, obviously all you girls will be going home to your vibrators tonight...and every night. Did it ever dawn on you, that the reason you are all single is because guys think you are frigid bitches??  Why do some women have to be so bitchy? What gives them the right to be rude to others?  They can buy all their expensive name brands and get their hair and nails done---BUT one thing is certain-- you can't buy class! You also can't buy personality bitches! 
A barrel of monkeys

Goodnight y'all

Follow me, I post new blogs everyday! <3 LK

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Jersday Surprise

Here are some pictures of my family and I dressing up.
Snooki, The Situation and DJ Pauly D


Follow me, I post new blogs everyday! <3 LK

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Short and curlies

Pubic hair.

Hair does what it wants. If it wants to grown in a certain spot it will forever (unless you seek Lazar hair removal) Some human beings have more hair than others. There are many people with thick, shiney and silky beautiful hair-----and there are others that are fucked in the hair department.  Some women like a lot of hair on men, others ---like myself don't like it when it gets stuck in our teeth.

Here are some examples of hair that sprouted up in all the wrong areas and or crevises...

You'll be " like a virgin" forever if you don't trim those hedges sweety.



And....In all the right places

Ok while I was finishing up here I heard a commercial say this and I quote
 "get longer, stonger more frequent errections" Really?

Well everyone, that was the Hairy truth!  Oh wait how did I forget Mrs. Fire Bush herself...

Thank you to my darlings Kaitlyn and Michael for the idea about hairy aereolas at work yesterday!

Follow me, I post new blogs everyday! <3 LK

This just in...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The tale of the swamp ass chair.

       Have you ever sat in an office chair and the chair had a  moldy butt smell to it? It's reeks of someone else's stinky under carriage. In this situation you need to find a new seat other wise your ass will be smelling like swamp thing in no time. The worst is when you don't have time and your boss is right there so you have to sit in the oh so fragrant seat. Then when you get up for break you feel like everyone can smell the dirty smell on you now.

      Who are these people that give the chairs a gassy aroma?  I'm sure most of these people are as sweet as peaches, maybe they have no idea that their private parts smell like a beavers den. They may have lost their sense of smell, or have grown used to the smell their crotch leaves behind. You start to look around at your fellow coworkers...which one made this stank ass smell?? Was is Patty? Hhhhmm maybe it was Big Larry. Oh I know! It must have been Beatrice she's having her period!

       Why the smell you ask? I know its fine to wear your jeans a few times before you wash them---But if you have a desk job where you may be sitting for 8 hours a day your anal region is bound to grow a little ripe as the day goes on. If you don't change your work pants everyday then the smell of your pants with now stink up the chair. So change your draws..change your pants and take care of yourselve and each other.

There are some people who actually have a chair sniffing fetish. They get off on the odors of the male and female ass and or genitalia. They will wait for the perfect moment to scurry over and slowy breath in the persons inner bowel. So if you work in a large office area and witness a guy walking around with a full on boner---then know this...he may have a chair sniffing fetish.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sir, where exactly are your balls right now?

Call me crazy but this is something that has always boggled my mind. When a man sits with his legs crossed  (the way most women sit) where does his man junk go? My husband and my Dad aren't even able to cross their legs in fear of crushing the good old family jewels. That leaves me clueless on the matter.
      OK so you are a man and you are sitting with your legs crossed...are your balls resting gently on top of your beautifully pale n' hairy man thighs or are they squeezed between the thighs like 2 small pigs in a hairy blanket? I always assumed that they rest under the mans legs just grazing the seat.  I rustled up a few pictures of men sitting in different positions. Enjoy!

This young man pictured here with his pet monkey has plently of room for his testicals. While the monkey is using the leveredge of his foot to make it easier to grab his little hams.

  Good looking out for your balls fellas..looks like you have plenty of room here for those genitals tonight!

His poor balls don't have a chance

This Fella may be a trend setter on how men should sit, his large sack look quite happy.
This fucking dude is just plain embarrassed that he got caught sitting like part of the vagina squad

Was Tonight a full moon? Customers part 2

 I tell ya--- work was off the wall tonight! It must have been a full moon or some shit. Who knows maybe something was in the water cuz our customers were fucking nuts tonight!  Jesus christ where do I begin!? First of all over at the bar there weas a group of roudy 50 somethings. You'd think it was a frat party! It's freakin 9:00 isn't past your bed time?  They were hooting and hollaring to random bar customers. They even anounced to everyone " DON'T WORRY EVERYONE--WE ARE CUT OFF!!"   like really??? Who screams that out loud at a family restaurant??

I'm suprised the mom and son didn't try this activity.
A man and his buzzzzed wife--(who might I add had a short male hair cut) brought their 8 year old son to the bar and hung out for ya know 5 hours...uhh who takes their 8 year old to a bar for 5 hours? Kid you not, at about 12 am the mother and the son were running laps around our bar!!!  Then they started playing tag/ hide and seek.  Our manager had to comp meals at a nearby table because the mother and son running laps around the restaurant bothered them. LoL  But now that I think of it the restaurant was actually closed so they shouldn't have been complaining about other customers lol

Another group of homely customers decided to make me run my ass off for an hour..they needed something new everytime single time I went to the table. The older women and the young 15 year old boy swtiched drinks....so now I go to the table and a minor has a corona in front of him! So with my job on the line I said  "umm can you guys tell me why he has your corona and is clearly under age?"  The older women just mumbled in some accent"oh I want to keep it over there".  They even went as far as to throw their knife on the floor because they wanted to keep me busy. They ended up only leaving me 2 dollars on a 72 dollar check. Keep your 13 dollars and go buy your minor a 6 pack of corona's lol.
SO the award goes to this family for being The table that made me the most fucking irritated. It's people like you who make customer service oh so special!  I did have quite a few cool mother f-errs though :)

On a happier note--- I love everyone I work with for cheering me up after all this mayhem. There was no time for dry humps and dancing.. till next week.
                 I spilled a lot of water at the end of the night and one of the line cooks helped me clean it up...it was very nice of him to go out of his way! We have the best team work here!!!The customers are a little cray but it's all good :)


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Sex, Humps and 3 Dolla Hoes

Ok so it's 2:00 am and I feel like I could sprint through my house like a gazelle. Gotta  love working in the restaurant biz. I'm not in the door 5 mins and a fellow waitress says to me "Hey L, don't look now but I slept with the guy at table 96, we spent 7 straight hours in bed together and when I got home I still had his hand print on my ass."  I looked at her and said  "ok that story made my fucking night hahaha" People at work tell me anything cuz they know I love that shit!
               Just when 11pm  rolled around one of my girls (who I call pt--short for Pelvic Thrust) just starts gingerly dry humping the leg of one of the other waitresses to the beat of an Aerosmith song on the radio.  So to join in on the fun--- I grab my long stack of cups that I'm holding and caress them ever so gently...the cook that walked by at that moment just giggled to himself and shook his head..probably thinking "damn those are some mutha fuckin crazy bitches" lol

In other news, I had these two girls stay at my table for 3 hours and they tipped 3 bucks..(mind you we only get 3 tables at a time) Listen up ladies--- next time you're using my table as your venue for 3 facking hours I want to get paid by the hour. I lost a good 30-50 dollars because of those sluts..well they weren't hot enough to be slutty but thats neither here nor there. I could only imagine their boring 3 hour long conversation. "So Jen do you think Billy likes me since he always stares at me in the office?" asks Sally "Oh I bet he has a big crush on you Sally, maybe he will ask you on a date!" God they need a big slab of cock in their lives so they wouldn't be parking their hairy Pussy at my booth for 3 bucks err hours! All my other tables were very pleasant tonight :)   I drew a nice little picture of what they looked like..enjoy me mateys---and trust me if they had tipped they wouldn't have had themesleve in my drawing tonight!
Yup that was them..
The kicker---- about 5 minutes after they left I was kneeling on the booth to clean the table top and the seat was still warm...the right side of course...oh pew ugh ahah

Ok I'm actually getting a wee bit tired now at 3:15 g'night yall..L.K

Friday, January 27, 2012

Kiss and Tell

Deena-  Best day of my life!

Pauly D- Worst day of my life!

Lets talk Fupas.

It's ok if you have a Fupa,  I'll still be your friend. (I like you for your personality, with or without your fupa) For those of you who don't know much about Fupas or just enjoy Fupa talk----Here is a little documentary to tickle your pickle.

                                                 Bitches in the Kitchen episode # 2

Caution- Fast food is a leading cause of Fupas

Fuba- fat upper bush area

Hupa- Hairy upper pussy area

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Late night cravings!

I have been eating healthy alllll damn day...but of course since I'm a night owel, here I am at 12:21 am craving all my naughty favorites! Yes people I am addicted...but can you blame me ??

I think I just went...